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Published by jack elliot



“I’m so sad that the Edinburgh fringe isn’t happening this year. For those unfamiliar, it’s the biggest arts festival in the world. It’s also the most diverse arts festival in the world – it’s got people from literally all over north London.”


“How many fringe performers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5,000. One to change it and 4,999 to tell them their lightbulb-changing act has been woefully overlooked by the industry and got a standing ovation when there were no critics in.”


“Just because you do a bad job once, it does not make you a bad person. My uncle recently beheaded a woman – not a bad person, bad magician.”


“I’m amazed Dominic Cummings kept his job – in most Tory governments you get fired immediately if they find out you went to Durham.”



“All of my desires in 2020 sound like the desires of someone from 1920. The other day I genuinely thought: ‘I wonder when I will next be in a motor car.’”


“I live with my boyfriend and my brother, both of whom I love very much but in very different ways. The only thing they have in common is they’ve both shared a bath with me at some point in their lives. One was a very erotic experience and the other, he did a poo whilst we were still sat in. It ruined Valentine’s Day.”


“I live in a sort of creative community up a hill in Bristol. It’s not a ‘gated community’, but it is quite a steep hill.”


“I transition my summer dresses into winter by simply being depressed in them.”


“The biggest downside to very young children is that they are quite boring. Like, they want to show you they love you by talking to you all the time but everything they know you already know. Literally zero value added in any of those conversations.”


“I grew up watching musicals. Miss Saigon, Oliver, Les Mis. Because there’s nothing upper class people like more than going to the theatre and watching other upper class people, dressed as working class people, singing about how hard it is not being upper class people.”


“The British people don’t circumcise because it’s cold.”


“The most effective way to make a straight man uncomfortable: when one knocks on your bathroom door, say: ‘Come in.’



“I’m vegan, but I’m not here to tell you that I’m living my life better than you. I’m merely here to imply it.”



“You’re not a real fan of the news if you haven’t been watching it from the beginning.”


“The main cause of climate change in the UK at the moment is Prince Andrew burning all his clothes and documents.”


“If I were God I’d spend all my time appearing at Richard Dawkins. He’d never tell anyone, but it would really piss him off.”



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